[I took notes about this topic a couple of years ago, but never got around to writing it until now. It depends on a couple of tweets I saw at the time, when I still enjoyed using Twitter, though even then it was waning. After this, of course, Musk turned it into a safe haven for Nazis and their ilk. I don’t want to link to the site anymore, so I took screenshots of them instead. I hope no one minds.]

It’s not a controversial statement to say we are all struggling. Whatever it may be: money, friends, family, mental health, physical health, whatever, there are plenty of issues to go around.

What’s weirdly likely to get you in an argument is to say that some folks are struggling more than others. Especially on social media, and especially especially on Twitter (or some of the media vying for its place), which is the worst venue ever for any sort of nuance. If someone says, “I’m having a hard time” you can bet every last coin you have that someone will reply, “Oh yeah, what about me?”

That sort of thinking may be natural for many, but it does make it hard to find empathy for others if your reaction is to focus inward. I know that it’s easy for me to think of myself when someone says something about themself that I too have dealt or am currently dealing with. But the best reaction is not, “Oh that happens to me too let me tell you” but is instead “I’m so sorry, that must suck.” 

That’s a big leap in understanding, and one it took me a long time to achieve (and my hold on it can be tenuous, I admit). But I think this also leads to a better grasp of privilege. 

Oh, that word. A lot of people hate it, and while I’m not a huge fan of it, it’s really the correct one. Why? Because it puts the onus on the person in a better position. If you have privilege, it’s up to you to recognize it. And when you do, hopefully, you’ll see it’s not necessarily something to be guilty about — though that would be natural and in many cases, certainly, deserved — but it is something to take action on. It can spur more self-reflection, which is always good, and also greatly increase your empathy for others.

Because of the word, it’s easy to knee-jerk and say, “Well that isn’t my fault and my problems count, too!” But that’s the wrong way to think of it. Instead, let it open up the idea that it’s not so much that you’ve had it easy so much as others have had it harder. One of the most difficult aspects of privilege is that it’s invisible to those borne by it. You may not have the barriers others do.

I was thinking about this recently because I saw a tweet by writer and educator Maria Beecham (on Wil Wheaton’s Tumblr, though I long ago lost the specific link):

It says, “Some people have a hard time recognizing privilege, saying ‘I work hard. I don’t get things handed to me.’ I understand that. Here’s how I respond: privilege isn’t bonus points for you and your team. It’s unfair penalties the other team gets that you don’t.”

What an interesting way to frame it! This shows that yes, you’ve had advantages, but it’s relative. Her next tweet follows up on this idea:

“Privilege isn’t the presence of perks and benefits. It’s the absence of obstacles and barriers. That’s a lot harder to notice. If you have a hard time recognizing your privileges, focus on what you don’t have to go through. Let that fuel your empathy and action.”

I like this a lot. It’s much harder to notice something that isn’t there than something that is, so the absence of barriers in your own life might make it less likely you’ll see them in others’ lives, especially if they aren’t obvious or expressly stated. I find this sort of thing on social media all the time; usually when someone posts about an event or tool that appears to be unnecessary, but it turns out it’s unnecessary if you don’t need it. I know that sounds like a tautology, but it’s not. For example, someone might praise a tool that helps you do something that seems trivial, like opening a jar. But opening a jar is easy!, you think. Yes, unless you are missing fingers, or a hand, or have arthritis, or tendonitis, or or or. In those cases it’s a huge help.

Now, I might slightly disagree with her first tweet about it not being about bonus points; I think that definitely plays a role. But her bigger point is the relativity of it. There are a lot of speed bumps someone like me (white, middle class, male, etc.) doesn’t have that others do. I try to keep that in mind when I read what others are going through. “Try” being the operative word; I still fail, maybe even a lot. But I keep trying. The more I do, the easier it gets to see how others live, and how vastly different their experience is from mine.

Imagine a world where everyone could not just understand that, but viscerally feel it! That wouldn’t cure all the ills humans have, but wow, it would surely make a big dent in them.

I’ve written on this topic many times before. Please take a moment to read them:

• Taking my brain off cruise control

• What’s done after

• Renaming things: Small effort, big outcome

• The stochastic journey

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